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Trustologie® is a leadership development consultancy founded by Marie-Claire Ross, specialising in helping executives and managers build high-trust, high-performing teams.
6 min read
I have a friend who often finds herself at the mercy of her emotions. Recently, she called me to rehash a confrontation she’d had with a group of leaders we both work with - a story she had already cycled through repeatedly with several others.
I listened patiently as she gave me her version of events, doing my best to offer a calming, supportive space. Eventually, she paused for breath. "You and I are similar," she said. "You know what it’s like when your thoughts are spinning, and you just keep replaying the scene over and over, thinking about what you should have said."
I waited a beat. "No," I said gently. "I don’t. I used to, but I’ve done the work to move past that."
A quiet "Oh" followed. The momentum of her venting vanished. It was the circuit breaker she needed - a realisation that there was a different, more settled way to react to the world.
Frequently, I come across leaders who believe their out-of-control emotions are simply part of who they are. I hear things like, "I’m Italian; I just get passionate," or "He pressed all my buttons and was trying to get me to react. I got angry. You would, too."
It has become a convenient excuse to falsely believe that our negative emotions are out of our control. We treat our temper or our anxiety as an unchangeable weather pattern we just have to endure (and those around us).
Yet, research now clearly shows that we have far more control over our emotions than we previously supposed.
Emotional management is not a personality trait; it is a skill set.
As a leader, you must realise that you are never "off the clock" when it comes to your emotional output. People are watching you. They are constantly scanning your face, your tone, and your energy to determine if they are safe or if they should be on edge.
You are the barometer for the climate of the team. If you walk into a meeting carrying unresolved anger or visible sadness, your team will pick up on that immediately. Through a process called emotional contagion, they will begin to feel those same emotions, or at the very least, feel deeply uncomfortable. When you are emotionally volatile, you create a "low-pressure system" of anxiety that stifles creativity and trust.
Mastering your emotions isn't just a personal goal; it’s a professional responsibility to the people you lead.
To many, the term emotional management sounds like a cold, clinical way of saying "keep it together." In reality, it is the strategic cornerstone of emotional intelligence in leadership.
While emotional regulation at work is about managing the immediate "weather" of your mood - acting as the short-term brakes when things get heated - emotional management is the long-term maintenance of your psychological climate. It is the practice of personal accountability: taking responsibility for your perceptions, thoughts, and behaviours rather than viewing yourself as a victim of external circumstances.
As Dr. Tara Swart, neuroscientist and author of The Source, suggests, we don't need to become absorbed by our thinking or reactions. We have agency over our perceptions, and mastering our emotions is the only way to fully unleash our brain’s potential.
Emotional management involves:
The Power of Purpose: Using your core values as a compass to decide which emotions require action and which require mere observation.
Mental Hygiene: The regular maintenance of your thinking patterns to ensure that when you are triggered, your thoughts don't become distorted. This is where working with a therapist or executive coach can help.
Agency: Recognising that while you cannot always control what you feel, you have total influence over your viewpoint and your subsequent response.
In leadership, we are conditioned to be "doers." When we are in "doing" mode, we treat emotions as obstacles to be cleared. However, true workplace emotional control begins with the act of being. When we shift into "being" mode, we treat emotions as data points.
Instead of immediately asking, "How do I stop feeling this?" the "Being" approach asks, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?"
Your emotions are real by virtue of the fact that your brain creates them and makes meaning out of them. They are electrical signals that signpost our deepest needs and values. If you are too quick to "do" (regulate) - trying to "fix" or ignore a feeling - you actually interfere with recognising the vital information it is trying to give you.
Emotions as Signposts: If you have a bad meeting and someone upsets you, that emotion points you toward what you actually want.
Anger is often a signal that a boundary has been crossed or a value of fairness has been violated.
Sadness may point to a loss of connection or a need for empathy.
Anxiety is often a signal of uncertainty or a need for safety and preparation.
Avoiding Intellectualisation: It is a trap to try and "think" your way out of an emotion. You cannot solve a feeling with logic. By simply being with the discomfort, you allow the brain to process the chemical surge naturally.
Leading with Authenticity: "Feeling your way into leadership" means being present with the reality of the room. Part of emotional intelligence is not internalising everything you feel, but rather sensing the subtle shifts in your team’s culture. It's about being comfortable in your leadership presence and working with what you can feel in the room.
This shift from "doing" to "being" is best practised by moving out of the head and dropping into the heart. The HeartMath Institute has shown that the heart plays a primary role in how we process the world. Their research on "Heart-Brain Communication" reveals that the heart sends significantly more signals to the brain than vice-versa.
When we "sit in our hearts" to listen to what an emotion is telling us, we move toward a state of coherence. This is a physiological state where our heart, mind, and emotions are in alignment. Instead of internalising the stress, we use the heart’s intelligence to find out what the signal is trying to say. It is about feeling your way into leadership, rather than just thinking your way through it.
This isn't just a personal benefit; it's a leadership necessity. According to HeartMath research, when individuals are not well self-regulated, it generates social incoherence.
Stressful or discordant conditions in a group act to increase emotional stress among its members, leading to social pathologies such as inefficacy, increased errors, and even abuse. Research shows that the leading sources of stress for adults are money and the social environment at work. In fact:
42% of working adults report irritability or anger due to stress.
37% report fatigue, while 35% report a lack of motivation or energy.
More than 9 in 10 adults believe stress contributes to major illnesses like heart disease and depression.
By practicing self-regulation, we don't just help ourselves; we stabilise the social coherence of our entire team.
It feels like emotions happen to us, but according to the work of Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, our brains actually construct emotions on the spot. You can train your brain to become an "emotion expert" through a concept called Emotional Granularity.
Low Granularity: Labeling feelings generally ("I feel bad," "I'm stressed").
High Granularity: Identifying precise states ("I feel slighted," "I feel apprehensive," "I feel unacknowledged").
People low in granularity label their emotions very generally, which leaves the brain guessing on how to respond. By learning different emotion words and becoming an expert in your own feelings, your brain can make more precise meaning based on the situation you’re in.
Stop using generic labels. When a meeting upsets you, drill down. Is it resentment? Is it inadequacy? By becoming an emotion expert, you provide your brain with the map it needs to find a way out.
Based on HeartMath techniques, when you feel a trigger, shift your attention to the area of your heart. Imagine your breath flowing in and out of your chest. This helps shift your physiology from "fight or flight" into a state of coherence where you can lead with clarity.
Every emotion you don't like points you to what you do want. If you feel frustrated by a lack of communication, that emotion is signposting your value of "transparency." Use the signal to move toward the value, rather than becoming a victim of the "emotional weather."
Your mind is shaped by your thinking. Leadership emotional regulation requires a strong sense of personal accountability. Regularly check in on your "internal weather." Are your thoughts distorted by a recent trigger? Paying attention to your thinking requires mindfulness and intention - it is a regular maintenance of your mental health.
In today's volatile and high-pressure work environments, emotional management is no longer a "soft skill." It is a core requirement for psychological fitness and organisational stability.
For leaders, the key takeaway is that your internal state dictates the collective "social coherence" of your team. When you move from reactive emotional regulation at work to a proactive stance of agency and emotional granularity, you stop being a victim of the "emotional weather" and start becoming the architect of a resilient culture. This matters because unmanaged stress and "social incoherence" are the leading drivers of burnout, absenteeism, and costly errors.
By mastering the ability to view emotions as data rather than directives, and by utilising heart-centered coherence to lead from a place of "being," you create a high-performance environment where clarity, purpose, and accountability can thrive.
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