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I'm a trust expert. Here are the 7 steps I consider when trusting new female friends

I'm a trust expert. Here are the 7 steps I consider when trusting new female friends
8:30

I'm one of those people who have been wired to trust pretty much any women my own age who engage with me in friendly chit-chat.

At 13, I was convinced by the Pollyanna-like notion that anyone could be friends with everyone. I eagerly attempted to make new friends based on this idea. Suffice it to say, it didn't turn out well for me.

My naivety meant that when I was fifteen, girls two years younger than me, took great pleasure in telling me that the word "gullible" had been taken out of the dictionary. I kept asking why.

So my journey to trust women, who actually have my best interests at heart, rather than befriend me in order to have someone to laugh/gossip at, has been a long and painful one.

Now, as a proper adult, who has studied trust for over ten years, I follow some guidelines to trust whether someone is the right person to be my friend. It's saved me a lot of heartache. And by trust, I mean that I can rely on them to treat me well. For me, that means not standing me up or gossiping about me, taking my phone calls when I'm in a bad place and inviting me out with them.

Let's take a look:

1. Friendly when they want something 

One of the traps I fall into is confusing friendliness with someone actually liking me. The way I stress-test this is to see evidence that they will do what they say they will do. 

Trust is very much about consistency of behaviour over time. As I mention in my book, Trusted to Thrive, trust is processed in the part of the brain that has no capacity for language. We process whether we trust someone based on how they make us feel.

One of the ways we do that is look for evidence that they are matching their words to their actions. Seems obvious. But sometimes when we are naturally drawn to a new person we can accidentally overlook this step. Particularly, if we are people-pleasers or are drawn to people who give us compliments.

Recently, I met a woman who had been part of a online training group I attended some years ago. We bumped into each other at an event and got along really well. 

We caught up with each other for coffee a week later (she also was there on time and didn't move the appointment, which was a good sign). We chatted and laughed happily for over an hour.

She asked me if I wanted to be in her upcoming weekend retreat. No mention was said as to what it was really about nor any questions asked as to whether it was right for me. As I wasn't available that weekend I replied no.

Without any prompting on my part, she offered to send my information about my programs to her husband and that she would give me the names of some other people who might be interested in having me as a speaker.

Without fail, I emailed her the information within a couple hours. And then - crickets! When we saw each other again, she apologised for being busy. Six weeks later (and another follow up email from me), nothing.

I had been duped. The friendliness was all a charade to get me into her expensive program.

2.Keeps Praising their abilities

I am often mindful when someone keeps telling me they are good at something.

In my experience, smart people don't need to go around telling people how smart they are. It's self-evident. Instead, it flags to me they know they aren't that smart, so they cover it up by having to tell everyone. It's a self-promotion technique that works surprisingly effectively.

Likewise, when someone tells me they are really loyal or really kind, I watch for signs. One of the interesting things when we feel strongly about something is that we can often be blind to when we are upholding a negative version of that value.

Take the value of being loyal. Loyalty is a wonderful thing to uphold. However, when we are loyal because we are doing the right thing by a friend, we can often be doing the wrong thing to someone else. Being blindly loyal to friends and family is toxic. It hides dysfunctional and dangerous behaviours. Being rigidly loyal can also make us unforgiving.

Doing the right thing, even when it's difficult, to me, is the best of all. If someone tells me that they highly value loyalty, it signals to me, that there is the potential if that I don't side with them on an issue, they will see that negatively.

Does it mean I don't trust them? Only when it comes to that value. I know that if something comes up where I can't back them 100% because it is against my values, then I'll have a conversation with them before I take any action.

3. Makes no Effort to be Your Friend

This almost sounds trite, but it's a trap I used to fall into willingly.

Many years ago, I befriended a woman in a mother's group. We lived down the street from each other and were both working in a family business with our partners.

We would often visit each other or go out to coffee. Then, one day I realised that every catch up we had was orchestrated by me.

When I stopped inviting her out, our "friendship" collapsed. It was all one-sided.

Any relationship is two-way. If you're doing all the work, to keep the friendship alive, then stop it. That person cannot be trusted to be there for you when you need a friend or you might find them exhibiting the next behaviour (like I did).

 

4. Makes Negative Comments about you

This is one of those experiences that make being friends with women difficult. And it can feel like a stab to the heart.

I have learnt the hard way to stop being friends with a woman as soon as I hear a negative comment about me. Now, I don't mean a negative comment that's true, such as "When Marie-Claire gets stressed out, she makes mistakes." That's reasonable.

But if it's something where they are putting you down like "Marie-Claire always wears black. She doesn't have much style."

I heard that once behind my back and I was shocked. Now, if the so-called friend had chatted to me about that beforehand, it would be acceptable. But to mention it to someone else and then even see my hurt reaction and do nothing? That's not a trustworthy friend that wants to do the right thing by me.

The same goes is when they make it to your face.

5. Can't Give Compliments

I know this sounds a little bit like validation and neediness, but it is a flag when you have a friend that can't give you a compliment. It signals jealousy and the potential to hurt you out of spite.

I once had a best friend for four years, who never praised me. What made it worse was that I occasionally heard her praising other female friends. 

That best friend ended up betraying me in a way where I can't still befriend her decades later (she keeps trying). While I can forgive her for what she did, I can't trust her to be a good friend to me.

6. Exhausts You

Have you ever caught up with a friend and felt exhausted?

A big red flag is when you have a friend that talks endlessly about herself. Dragging up their latest drama and going on and on about it. When you do finally get a chance to talk, they go back to themselves very quickly.

Friendships should make you feel uplifted, valued and happy. Trust your intuition when you start feeling worse when you hang out with a friend.

7. Stops talking to you

This is one of the worst things women do to each other. If your friendship gets to this stage, it's usually over.

If there's one thing I wish women would do, it's to communicate about issues rather than stop talking to someone because of something they did or said. Don't ghost them.

It's so immature. It's also incredibly confusing because the other party has no idea what's upset them. So they spend lots of time ruminating on what they potentially did wrong.

To excel in leadership roles, women need to talk openly about unacceptable behaviours . We also need to show empathy and patience to people who struggle with those behaviours. Ghosting someone because you lack the courage to tell them is untrustworthy behaviour.

Instead, have an honest conversation with your friend about what they have done that has upset you. Let them know. Most women appreciate knowing, so they can minimise behaviours that harm friendships.

Trusting Female Friends

Building trustworthy friendships requires careful observation and discernment. Reflecting on personal experiences and lessons, I've learned that trust is shared through consistent, supportive, and reciprocal actions. True friends show reliability, kindness, and respect in their words and deeds. They avoid manipulation, one-sided dynamics, or damaging gossip.

By setting clear boundaries and identifying red flags, such as inconsistency, self-promotion, and lack of effort, we can protect ourselves from unhealthy relationships. At its core, fostering trust means prioritising open communication, mutual respect, and shared values, ensuring that friendships contribute positively to our lives.

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